Though it's not 10 O'clock yet I'm struggling to stay awake.

I'm feeling rather lost and frustrated. Six months ago I had a plan. As the chess world champion Karpov once said, a bad plan is better than no plan at all. Not so sure it was a bad plan at the time but it definitely hasn't worked out.

I'm becoming a little bit withdrawn after recent experiences (by which I mean in the last 18 months). I haven't formed a new close friendship that's lasted really since meeting Christine. Is it me? Perhaps, I think if anything I ask too much. Do I put too much pressure on people to be how I want them to be? That's not what it feels like. Perhaps it's my choices, meeting people through mental health services, maybe it should be no surprise when attempted close friendships break down. And it would be wrong to trivialize these friendship as unsuccessful - if you have some good times for five months then it all goes horribly wrong, the good times don't cease to have existed.

I think the most obvious thing is my inability to cope with adversity. God dammit. And adversity includes being rejected.

So I'm hesitant to meet new people, but also feel like I'm not getting support from a wide enough range of sources right now. Having a very good, supportive friend, and a supportive ex girlfriend is good. At work I feel fairly close to both the managers, one in particular is a bit of a mother figure to me, though not old enough to my my mum, she is older than me. The other one I get on well with but in a very different way.

At this point I think I need professional help, I really do. What sort of help, that I'm less sure of. Not sure the medical route is the right one to go down, if it's trust issues based on being let down, that's a bit like being afraid of heights after falling off a ladder. It's a natural, even healthy reaction. Talking to my key worker in the CAT Team (yes I've de facto left the CAT Team, but I'm still on their books and will remain so for a couple of months) though I feel like she's been unnecessarily critical of me. Knowing what she's like... her and I should be able to sort that out as I don't think it's a deliberate attempt from her but just her way, and she's young and smart and I expect if I point this out to her she will take it into consideration.

So that's definitely the plan so far, beyond that it would have to be a doctor's visit and I can't see another readily available source.

Martin

https://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/iain-duncan-smith-to-resign-for-indirectly-causing-the-tragic-death-of-stephanie-bottrill

My simple comment on this is that Iain Duncan Smith is not responsible for the actions of individual British citizens. Imagine if instead of committing suicide she'd murdered someone out of anger. Would Iain Duncan Smith be indirectly responsible for that as well?

No, people are responsible for their own actions. Iain Duncan Smith should not resign because of something someone totally unrelated to him has done.

Martin

Reviewing what I previously said about a now former friend, I think I was wrong. I don't regret meeting her or the time we spent together. We had a couple of good times and a couple of bad ones. It's very hard for me to accept being powerless though. I hate it, it feels terrible. That's why I keep posting about it, there's no way to resolve these feelings apart from the passage of time. I'm convinced that she thinks she's doing what's right, but it's as if any new information I give her threatens her, like she's terrified of changing her mind. And I just don't have a solution for that in any form.

Martin

I've made the decision to leave the CAT Team, the Leeds mental health support service (support group is wrong as it's made up of about 7 different groups).

I had a doctor (who's name I genuinely can't remember) who used to say if you have mental health problems, the worst thing you can do is spend time with other people with mental health problems.

I wouldn't say that, but safe it say it hasn't worked out very well for me. There have been good moments. I have to say a lot of those have involved alcohol and the problems for me really started when I decided to drink less.

In about two and a half years I've had issues at least with 8 different people, all of which have been sorted in various different ways. The most recent one hangs over me as something that I cannot resolve no matter what I do.

The overall summary I would have is some good times, some very bad times (more than the good) and a lot of boredom. Not a setting I have felt very comfortable with for most of the time I've been there. And that's no-one's fault, it's just the way it is. Clearly a lot of people getting something positive out of it, and that's great, but it's not for me. I suppose it's one of those things that fills such a big gap in my life I've been reluctant to leave until now.

Which is why I'm thinking of taking on some new voluntary work, as of today. I won't start today, I have to wait in to take a delivery. I suppose when that comes, if it comes early enough in the day, I can hop on a bus and go down there.

It's not that dissimilar to Scrabble, where I kept playing for more than a year after I stopped enjoying it because it filled such as big gap in my life, that I was going to have to find 20 or 30 hours' worth of things to do if I stopped playing. So when I started juggling I could then stop playing Scrabble (and did).

Am feeling pretty good. I've been better don't get me wrong but two days in the park in the sun juggling with other people has done me the world of good.

Martin

So I agreed (I use the word agree rather than promise) to take down posts about a friend I 'broke up with'. This was voluntary. It seems to me I could change my mind, but unless someone specifically wants to see them I see no reason to unhide them. Furthermore I wasn't asked not to make any new posts so this isn't a violation of that agreement.

My major thought is that I've gone too far the other way. I used to do whatever I thought was right no matter what anyone thoughts. I got quite isolated doing that, now I think I've gone too far the other way. Caring too much about what other people think, making myself ill in the process. This can't continue. And for that, I have to think (weirdly) a few people who've hurt me in the past year for making me realize that I need to care less what people think. I suppose I could say honestly that none of them were bad people, they all thought they were doing the right thing.

My friend had a beautiful Chihuahua, the most lovely dog I have ever seen, and at certain moments I miss him like mad. Dogs are just so damn easy to love, easier than cats which really want to do their own thing.

What happened, without repeating it all, really wasn't a massive deal. It was an argument that via facebook and text message went on for about a week without a few messages per hour. I can see what I did wrong. It started on a Thursday and by Friday night I told her despite the truce that it was over and there was no future in it. She protested and... I listened. That said, having talked a lot about my instincts being right very often, my instincts weren't telling me not to talk to her. That was logic, logic said that it couldn't possibly work as she was imposing on me a condition I couldn't accept. My gut wasn't really for or against it, so I'm at least not guilty of going against my gut.

Due to my inability/unwillingness to cut her off there and then, I spent another 4 days trying to negotiate with her which totally got nowhere. Not sure we even started discussing the issue, never mind made any progress. So that's 4 days of bad feelings, 6 in total, that I suppose could've been reduced to two.

I have that feeling that I had after breaking up with Christine. Regret, but regretting the outcome not what I had done. She (the friend, not Christine) accused me of not trying hard enough. Also since I was accusing her of not seeing things from my point of view I wanted to do my best to see things from her point of view. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried again. To be honest my best efforts were getting nowhere and were hurting both of us. Which is exactly why I wanted to give up after two days, as I had no solution to the problem, and discussing the problem wasn't getting us anywhere. If discussion won't work, what the hell am I supposed to do after that? Mime? Use smoke signals?

So it's kind of a relief for me to know my only mistake was trying too hard when I should've give up. On the flip side that means I was (and still am) powerless, which I hate. I suppose quite early on her dogs surpassed her and I really just wanted to be with the dogs. Made a final attempt Wednesday night to negotiate, was gonna say after that I only wanted to be friends with her to see the dogs and would she accept that, my guess is she would not have.



Martin

No, not my proposal, but this suggestion from the British National Party website.

There are a few things going on here.

To be ethnically British is in fact to be descended from foreigners. I've not looked into the matter extensively, but I know that London was supposedly founded by Brutus after he and his army invaded and conquered the native British people about 2000 years ago. So the "ethnic British" were actually displaced 2000 years ago. Chances are even they weren't the original settlers, just that's how far back accurate records go. Of course Britain has most famously been invaded by the Romans (briefly) the Saxons and the Normans and the French repeatedly, where France and the UK had a lot of cultural overlap in large part thanks to the Norman invasion, leading to French claims to the British throne and British claims to the French throne, and the hundred years war.

So to be British is to be of Celtic, Roman, Scandinavian and French origin. And of course many other places to a lesser extent.

I also struggle the the idea that the 'purity' of the white race is an issue. The white race won't really be 'wiped out' by breeding with other races. From what I understand, from a zoological point of view there is only one human race, humans have never diverged enough to be considered separate races and with a lack of evolutionary pressure on humanity due to low mortality rates especially before child-making age, this may never, ever change. It's likely that the human race will die out before it diverges enough to be considered more than one race.

Really, we all go back to a single breeding pair anyway, and they would've been presumably dark skinned because of the region of the world (the Caucus) being very warm.

So basically what I'm saying is it's all bollocks. To be ethnically British is to have varied ancestry which is exactly what this article is opposing.

Martin

My key worker's pointed out I've had four relationship with women break down in about 14 months. Well she didn't point out how many or over what time period, but I think it's worth mentioning. She asked if it was a cycle that was repeating itself and if so, how could I break it.

The first three had in common that I got 'dumped' out of nowhere, with no warning. The first one was over a comment I made that I would make again, I think anyone who isn't able to deal with an honest but respectful comment isn't the sort of person I want as a friend, because I'm both honest and respectful.

The second was just sort of fizzled out of its own accord. I was in that friendship for the 'wrong' reason, I wanted to wait until she was single, sleep with her and then move on, knowing full well she changes boyfriend every few weeks, and that's frankly about as much of her as I could stand. I say 'wrong', it's not a great basis for a friendship, as I found out, but I'm also comfortable with the fact I'm attracted to attractive women roughly my own age.

I've grouped these two together because they both have BPD which is a disorder where people have trouble forming stable personal relationships.

The third was her decision after the only argument we have had. One argument and boom, I was gone. Never really felt that bad about it, felt more like this has to be a good thing in the long term.

The fourth one, over the last week or so. This one was the other way around, with me asking her to leave me alone. I think that logically I knew it wouldn't work but just didn't like the conclusion. It ought to have been easy enough to sort the argument out. But we just couldn't. And I think I gave her a second and a third chance because previously it'd been the other way around; someone shutting me out with no chance to talk about it, so when she said she wanted to try again, part of me was thinking 'I would've loved that chance with xyz'.

So it was a bad decision. I should've cut her off earlier. I did get a bit angry with her too which oddly I don't regret. I don't see why I should always be the peacemaker, I have feelings too, dammit. Also I thought if got angry it might seem more real to her. So in hindsight, knowing what she's like, I'd've never gone near her. Sorry but no.

I suppose in the first three cases I could ask why in all likelihood the three women wanted to cut me off. I think in all three cases I'm better off for being cut off. Someone who's bad for me has decided to get rid of me. Erm, good!

I think it's worth remembering I didn't want to change my personality for any of these women. The solution would've been to have a different personality. I suppose ultimately in hindsight I wouldn't have gone anywhere near any of these women knowing what their personalities are like.

Martin

Someone's requested that my journal be edited because it has information about them. They're not disputing the information's validity just (as far as I know) doesn't want to be identified, even if what's said is not untrue and not really 'negative' towards the person.

I've agreed out of respect, I've not been 'pressured' into it just this is someone I respect and I see no reason not to agree to what they ask.

The tough bit is these posts also talk about other things which I'll lose if I make the posts private. I'm not quite sure what to do about this. Since the request came via a third party, I'm not entirely sure what I've agreed to. I'll start by making the posts private and then work out what I want to do with them after that.

Martin

I'm still in a bit of a rut. Things are I would say mildly bad. I'm not on jobseekers at the moment as I missed an appointment. With the tax rebate I got recently (which when you think about it, is money I've earned rather than been given) I can afford to live for a few weeks without signing on. I probably prefer to do it like that because I feel guilty about my situation.

My friend RE I think made a very valid point; at the moment I'm ill, not as ill as I have been and this is more of a statement of fact rather than a gripe; I'm grateful for all the things I have and all the things I can do. Being a home carer made me realize that a little more. Anyway, back on topic. If I look after myself now and work on improving my health in the long run it will hopefully mean I can work and pay back all the benefits I've claimed over the years in taxes (income tax, national insurance primarily, but also council tax which I don't pay the moment).

I mean, I have no plans to go anywhere soon, not in any sense. No plans to leave Leeds and live elsewhere, no plans to die or have a shortened life. What's really scary is that I could be in this situation for years. Again of course there are worse things - being a refugee in the Syrian Civil War for example - but I just want more than what I have. At least now I have some ideas of what I want which means I can take steps towards getting them.

My recurrent health problems are an issue and I do worry that after this amount of time, that nothing can make any big differences anymore. Depends how you count, but if my mum is to be believed (and I do) I was having problems even as a baby. I've heard another friend say that she knew her son had mental health problems at '2 or 3 years old' and mothers know this sort of thing. My own memories of having problems go back as long as I can remember, but they're highly subjective. I mean, all kids have problems, growing up is hard, and how can I say I was really any different from anyone else based on vague memories.

I know I was seen by a psychiatrist about 8 or 9 years old. I have no memory of it, I know it happened, I even know where it happened but I don't remember anything else.

Anyway it's just been that long now, a conservative estimate would put it at 20 years and counting with admittedly some good periods during that time, but I just wonder if having mental health problems is such a part of me that it can never be resolved. Through Leeds mental health services I know that people are in the system a long time, I just don't really want to be one of them.

There's more I could post but I think I'll stop there - no rush, am not leaving the house until 1pm tomorrow.

Just looking through, the last post I made about myself was over a month ago.

I normally only post here when something is bothering me. I haven't had a great year, neither a great year nor a poor one, I feel a bit worried that it's already April and I haven't done much this year. I seem to be doing the same things, 'same shit, different day' (a friend said this).

I've made a new close friend called RE (hope this code doesn't refer to anyone else, I can't think of another one). RE is female. That's a very good things, she's a good analyst. Well, she analyses a lot, unfortunately not all of it is good, some of it seems not to be. She's made some comments about me, which while I am glad of the input, I don't think she's right. To be a good analyst, and I should know, you have to get passed your own personal biases.

Anyway she says I'm unconfident and my insecurity 'shines through' (her exact words). I just don't agree. I'm not saying she's 100% wrong because she isn't, but I don't feel unconfident in everything I do. Certainly in some areas I am, but in others I'm not. Juggling for example, and the RSPCA shop are two environments where I feel confident because I have experience. She's introducing me to new experiences and she's confusing caution as a lack of confidence.

Anyway, the really bad news was earlier this year when I lost my job after one day. 'Gave up' my job (I feel like neither of those phrases is entirely accurate). Another similar incident happened a week ago, when all prepared and ready to go for a group interview on Thursday, I discovered that it was actually on Wednesday and I had missed it. Unforgivable, right? Well no not really. Killing someone in cold blood is unforgivable, accidentally missing a job interview isn't. But I regret it, I am quite disorganized, one of my weaknesses is remembering dates in advance. I'm reluctant to keep a diary because of a) losing it and b) it doing more harm than good. What if I forget to put something in the diary?

But I feel hurt by the whole thing, now I have to face my jobseeker advisor tomorrow. I suppose I should just be honest and get it out of the day. I don't see another option to be honest, not a decent one.

I do again feel quite directionless. I also still believe the same things; life has no intrinsic value, the only meaning life has is the meaning we assign to it. So I can be as selfish as I like and ultimately it won't matter.

This is why I sometimes say, in all seriousness, that I'd quite like to be religious in some ways, in the sense of believing in God and having an overall purpose to life. But how do you believe in something that you fundamentally don't believe in? It's a bit like me saying I'd like to believe that I'm president of the United States because it would be convenient for me to do so. How do you do it?

Martin