Though it's not 10 O'clock yet I'm struggling to stay awake.
I'm feeling rather lost and frustrated. Six months ago I had a plan. As the chess world champion Karpov once said, a bad plan is better than no plan at all. Not so sure it was a bad plan at the time but it definitely hasn't worked out.
I'm becoming a little bit withdrawn after recent experiences (by which I mean in the last 18 months). I haven't formed a new close friendship that's lasted really since meeting Christine. Is it me? Perhaps, I think if anything I ask too much. Do I put too much pressure on people to be how I want them to be? That's not what it feels like. Perhaps it's my choices, meeting people through mental health services, maybe it should be no surprise when attempted close friendships break down. And it would be wrong to trivialize these friendship as unsuccessful - if you have some good times for five months then it all goes horribly wrong, the good times don't cease to have existed.
I think the most obvious thing is my inability to cope with adversity. God dammit. And adversity includes being rejected.
So I'm hesitant to meet new people, but also feel like I'm not getting support from a wide enough range of sources right now. Having a very good, supportive friend, and a supportive ex girlfriend is good. At work I feel fairly close to both the managers, one in particular is a bit of a mother figure to me, though not old enough to my my mum, she is older than me. The other one I get on well with but in a very different way.
At this point I think I need professional help, I really do. What sort of help, that I'm less sure of. Not sure the medical route is the right one to go down, if it's trust issues based on being let down, that's a bit like being afraid of heights after falling off a ladder. It's a natural, even healthy reaction. Talking to my key worker in the CAT Team (yes I've de facto left the CAT Team, but I'm still on their books and will remain so for a couple of months) though I feel like she's been unnecessarily critical of me. Knowing what she's like... her and I should be able to sort that out as I don't think it's a deliberate attempt from her but just her way, and she's young and smart and I expect if I point this out to her she will take it into consideration.
So that's definitely the plan so far, beyond that it would have to be a doctor's visit and I can't see another readily available source.